Trying to Get Myself Out of the Center

In the important areas of life like: family relationships, vocation, friendships, ethical decision-making, religious experience and expression, I keep thinking more and more about the intrusion of “the ego” in these efforts to live well.

The need to be affirmed, to prevail, to be noticed, to “be a hero,” to be respected etc. plays a role in about everyone’s living. When these needs are too extreme, we don’t “live well.” Because, we are too much about meeting our needs when we deal with others and deal with tasks in life. For example, when I go to court as a lawyer, if I can’t keep my focus on my client’s interests, but get caught up in my interests and glory, I can talk a lot of good lawyer talk, make some impressive legal maneuvers, but not get my client what he or she is really seeking. Or, in dealing with a friend, I might be spending too much time trying to convince my friend to think well of me, instead of spending time thinking well and doing well for my friend. I guess what I am talking about is getting all caught up in trying to maintain a reputation or build one. And, getting all caught up in seeking victories and the approval of others, so as to feel like someone inside – this is like trying to walk somewhere by running on a treadmill. You just don’t get there! You stay in the same place though you are running so hard.

In our contemporary culture, there is an assumption that “self-esteem” is the key to a happy life. And, on one hand, this makes some real sense. If a person feels bad inside about herself, then it is difficult for that person to live a happy life. That negative self-reflection can color all parts of life darkly. On the other hand, the assumption that one can gain “self-esteem” by focusing on oneself and working on oneself is a particularly foolish assumption. It is really when we experience our self opening to others, becoming joined with others, being part of something greater than our self-concern, that we experience a sense of peace and purpose and vitality inside. Rudolf Bultmann, a Biblical Scholar/Theologian of the 20th century said that the experience of Christian faith was experiencing ‘freedom from self-concern.’

Although it is said that you can’t esteem and care for others unless you learn to esteem and care for yourself, it could be said that you can’t esteem and care for yourself unless you learn to esteem and care for others. Or, it might be said that you can’t esteem and care for yourself and others until you have experienced yourself being esteemed and cared for by another.

In Christianity and Judaism, the core experience is the experience of being esteemed and cared for by the Holy God and Creator of all life, and this experience is individual, communal, universal. That is, faith is the experience of being cared for and esteemed as an individual, but just as deeply as part of a religious community and part of the human race. What this means is that the experience that I am cared for and esteemed by the Holy One carries at its heart experiencing my neighbor as one who is cared for and esteemed by this same Holy God.

So, in this core experience of faith, we are opened to a Holy Presence, and we are opened to each other. We are set free from our self-imprisonment. Our selves become open to communion, to sharing of life, with our Creator,with our fellow creatures. This is how we come to an inner vitality, purpose and joy. We are freed from “self-concern” as we experience the concern of others and become genuinely concerned for them. In faith, we experience God’s concern for us. At some point, in faith, we even experience concern for God and selflessly want to do something for God. That is the deepest freedom. Then God’s will infuses our will, and we become who we were meant to be – those whose hearts are fully given to God and to our neighbors.

Waiting, peace and feeling my way to something holy

Waiting is a strange thing. We wait to see how things go for those we love,whether we wait in hospital waiting rooms or in our homes or courtrooms. But, one thing we all have to do is wait.

But, we have to carry on in life while we are waiting to hear on this or that, and often on deeply important matters.

Some of us feel the burden of this waiting more than others. It seems that some people have a natural disposition that keeps them from worrying about things they can't control. That seems a very healthy and sane way to live.

I am not one of those people.

If I come to a point of waiting in a healthy and calm way, it is because of some spiritual influence that has transformed me inside. Simply put, I need some real serious help to wait well.

And, I experience this help, though I do have to struggle for it at times. And, I am glad for all those people who seem to come by it naturally. I don't begrudge them that peace of mind that seems part of their constitution. Of course, it is not my struggling that brings the peace, but when I cease struggling that it comes.

I have known these times of profound peace that have pierced my worried soul and left me calm in a presence so holy and so good that I can't describe it much beyond that.

Lately, I have been moved very deeply when alone by this overwhelming presence of God, who seems to me to be so absolutely beautiful and kind and wonderful that I am just stopped in wonder. It also hit me yesterday that God is the most simple of all beings and the most complex of all beings. God can commune with an amoeba; God can commune with the simplest person and be thoroughly and completely God. God can commune with the most complex of beings and be thoroughly God.

The one thing I am convinced that God is not: God is not cynical. Cynical beings cannot commune with the simple. They are too far above that. God is not.

June 23, looking forward to July 1

We have had to readjust our schedules at the Public Defender's Office, because several of our lawyers are going to be on vacation this summer. But, though I am not going to be on vacation much, I am going to be on vacation for at least one day, and that is July 1, the day my dear daughter is to arrive home from South Africa. We watched her walk through the airport gate on January 17, and haven't gotten to see her since, except for a little on Skype. God knows how much my wife and I are looking forward to July 1. I am supposed to cover court on July 1, but I told them that they will just have to figure that day out, because I am going to be at McGhee Tyson Airport in Knoxville, TN on July 1 waiting for my daughter to get off that plane! Sue and I are going to want to go out onto the landing strip and wait, but I guess that might get us charged with a federal offense.

Everything to me is secondary to going to that airport on July 1. I have been so glad that Lisa has been able to live in such a wonderful and beautiful land as South Africa and meet so many people who have so much heart even amidst tough circumstances. But, my heart has felt partly empty these past five plus months with Lisa being so far away. But, I have learned something too. I have learned about distance and love; something that I have learned with my father's death. No force or power on this earth can separate you from those you really love in the depths of your heart! I think that's what Romans 8:38-39 is all about. Amen.

Being Thankful

A spirit of gratitude is with me as I start this day. It is Saturday morning, and I am thinking about so many things. I am remembering so many good things about my growing up and about my parents. I am proud of my Mom and Dad. Everywhere they went, they made friends, and really brightened other peoples lives.

It really struck me again last night as I visited my mother that she is such a positive person that it really spreads to those around her. Mom has always been that way. People enjoy being around her. If I go to a local bank or business or anywhere, and someone there knows my Mom, they say: "O, you're Kay's son!" And, then I get treated like I'm from the "royal family" or something. And, that's the way people are wherever I meet them about my Mom or Dad.

It is a good thing to leave a legacy like that behind you in your life. It is a path for your family to walk in. It makes them proud inside, the way I am proud.

Thinking about things on my lunch break at the PDO

I was in General Sessions Court this morning. Ended up a number of cases got reset because one D.A. and one detective were gone and I had two clients who had issues medical/family, but the cases left were pretty difficult ones. The ones I dealt with this morning were a Theft over $1,000 case, a Solicitation of a Minor case, and an Aggravated Burglary case. The cases that we didn't deal with were: two Rape cases, a Theft over $1,000 case, a Criminal Simulation case.

The Solicitation of a Minor case has to do with an internet chat to set up a meeting to have sex with someone who is a minor. The so-called minor was actually a police officer pretending over the internet to be a 16 year old seeking sex.

The cases on Friday dockets that are generally the most difficult are the sex offense charges and the internet sexual offense charges. The internet cases are often that hardest of all to deal with, because most of the defendants have never been in trouble before, and are often looking at very serious prison sentences because of what they viewed over the internet or sometimes what they "said/typed" over the internet.

I had a client go to prison recently to serve a six year sentence because he had downloaded and viewed a bunch of child pornography. He hadn't bought any, he hadn't done anything with any child, he hadn't produced any, but he had looked at it over the internet the same way anyone looks at any picture over the internet.

It is a very serious crime. And, child pornography includes pictures of 16-17 year olds too. If a person is looking at this kind of stuff on the internet often, internet sting operations often pick up on it. The way I understand it is that there are some basic websites/internet distributers that produce this stuff - usually from a location outside the U.S., and there is some type of code that allows internet law enforcement to pick up on when someone is accessing one of these prohibited sites.

If a person is found to have more than a 100 images on their computer (and, they stay even after deletion) of child pornography, that is a class B felony offense under Tennessee state law. If convicted the person serves a minimum of 8 years in prison, with no chance to be released until serving 85% of the sentence. It is a pretty tough thing to talk to a client who had never been in trouble before, and even though they thought what they were doing might be immoral, they just didn't have any idea it was illegal. Not just doing, but viewing is now being punished, and punished harshly in our legal system in a desperate attempt to respond to abuse of the internet.

As legislators pass more and more laws to try to constrain internet child pornography distribution, and dissemination of other sexual materials on the internet, there are some strange results. For example, a 19 year old male engages in consensual sex with someone 3 1/2 years younger than him. This act is not a crime under law (it would have been if the age difference had been more than 4 years). But, even though the act would not be punishable under law even if proven, the fact that this same 19 year old video taped it and put it on the internet or distributed it in any way ends up being a class B felony (8 years at 85% to serve in prison). Of course, the reason for this is that it falls under child pornography restrictions. Still, it is interesting that the act is "legal" while videotaping/disseminating video images is illegal - very illegal.

The part that is really difficult for me in this is that although I do think it is bad to view child pornography, I don't think we ought to put people in prison for viewing perverse things. We ought to put people in prison who do perverse things or force others to. And, there is no clear evidence that people who fantasize about wierd stuff regularly follow through and do it. Certainly, a few do. Law enforcement has the idea that if we prosecute every person who looks at child pornography, then we can be assured that no one who might commit sexual offenses against children will be free. But, as we implement these harsh laws, tapes with children getting abused and raped are being made over in Russia and disseminated over the internet.

I do have to agree that the purchase of child pornography ought to be prohibited by the criminal law. Obviously the production and selling of it ought to be. And, I guess, if you are paying for it, you are financially supporting it. Maybe viewing over the internet could be like that if by giving a website so many hits you enable to them to make money by putting ads on their website. I don't know. But, viewing of child pornography on the internet, if it is to be punished by the criminal law, ought to be punished less harshly than it is. I can't help but thinking that somebody who rapes an adult ought to be punished a lot more harshly than someobody who looks at perverse pictures. Someone who robs someone at gunpoint ought to be punished a lot more harshly than someone who has 100 pictures of child pornography on their computer. But, the law says: 8-12 years for Rape; 8-12 years for 100 plus images of child pornography; 8-12 years for Aggravated Robbery with lesser release percentage; and the law in Tennessee says: 3-6 years for Voluntary Manslaughter with 30% release eligibility and presumed a favorable candidate for parole (that's killing somebody!).

Now, I think pornography is very unhealthy for society. I wish all of it - child and adult - would just disappear. Obviously, the child pornography is an awful crime, because it is exploiting and abusing children and then finding a market in society for those who like to view such a horror show. And, that is what some of the child pornography is. I have to go over the law enforcement unit and view materials/evidence to see that the state has against my client. And, sometimes it is literally feels like watching a cruel beating or killing. It is very, very sad, and very, very disturbing. I put off going over for these discovery conferences as long as I can. But, it is my job to actually look at physical evidence in a case, whether it is a gun or a knife or a picture or a piece of clothing with blood on it. Of all of the stuff I have looked at over the years, there have been some pretty disturbing pictures, such as when a person has been killed. And, these images of children being raped seem like that to me. And, it just goes on and on. When I see these pictures/video of actual rapes of children, I understand the knee-jerk reaction of legislatures: "well, we will punish everyone that even looks at it! That is just sick!" But, viewing is still not doing, no matter how bad it seems. Adult pornography doesn't seem criminal, but seems unhealthy and hurtful for many reasons. But, that is an entirely different discussion. These are just some things I was thinking over after court today. I guess I better go get some lunch.

Nourishment for Living

It seems to me that there are a few basic things that give structure and solidity and energy (nourishment) to an individual human life. The condition of our bodies is certainly one thing that affects the energy we have, the outlook we have in our living. And, our practice of finding or not finding nourishment for the biological and spiritual processes that sustain us certainly affects our bodies and the whole of who we are.

And, finding our way to a pattern of living that nourishes us, body and soul, is surely an important foundation to a meaningful life.

People in our time, like peoples in all times, often struggle to maintain a certain peace of mind and a joy in living. And, then again, many people also don't seem to have to struggle too hard to maintain peace of mind and joy in living. Some seem to struggle as just a part of who they are, as if struggle was just built into their genetic makeup. But, for many, the struggles seem less a part of destiny and more a part of being mixed up about how to find what is needed to sustain a good life.

This Sunday was a particularly good day for me. I really enjoyed worshipping and preaching Sunday morning and being with my church, and I really enjoyed coming back home and working in the yard and being with my family. Everything just seemed to fit on Sunday. And, I realized that when things are going well for me that tends to lead to good basic habits and when I have a pattern of good, basic habits, things tend to go well for me. And, I am talking about real basic things: an appropriate amount of food, exercise and sleep. Intake, exertion, rest.

There is no separation between "mind" and "body." We are a unity of biological and spiritual/mental processes. Our thoughts and feelings arise from chemical processes in the body; chemical processes in the body are set in motion and affected by our thoughts and feelings. Our feelings can come from thoughts or from chemical processes in the body or maybe, it is more accurate to say that they come from both at the same time.

And, nothing seems to reset and renew the biological and spiritual processes at work in us so well as a reasonable amount of food, exercise and sleep. But, just as I have found that good habits like this lead to good thoughts, so also good thoughts lead to healthy ways of living. And, good thoughts are often born through spiritual practices like prayer and meditation and worship. But, it doesn't seem to me that finding what we need biologically and spiritually involves two separate processes or approaches in life. No, finding nourishment for human living involves one simple orientation of the body, mind and spirit, and that is the orientation of the creature open and thankful to the Creator in receiving the natural resources that nourish us individually and communally along the way in life. And, there is meaning in seeking out nourishment, finding it, and sharing it as a foundation for a joyful life in this world. For some the struggle is very hard due to difficult social, economic, physical or mental burdens.

If we really do think that human life is worth nurturing, it will lead us to desire nourishment for ourselves and others. And, when we really desire something in our hearts, we usually do something about it.

Almost hit a groundhog; almost caused a wreck

Sue and I were driving around Knoxville on Saturday, and on a pretty busy road, a car had slowed down almost to a stop in the right lane. I slowed down a little and all the sudden there was a little groundhog (a youth) right in front of my car. I stopped all the way, and the car behind me got pretty close to hitting me. And, both drivers that were stopped kept looking to see if the little groundhog had made it across the road. I looked back as we drove away and apparently he made it safe and sound.

I really hate hitting animals when I am driving. I have hit a squirrel or two and a possum once. I have had a lot of close calls on everything from deer to foxes to dogs to cats to cows to ginnies to turkeys, etc. But, I realized the last time I almost hit a dog that if I would just slow down a good bit, I would hardly ever hit any wildlife. I have done that - started driving a pretty slow pace on backroads about all the time. I enjoy it more, and I don't ruin the only chance at life that some little or big creature has. And, also if I slow down a little, then if I need to stop, I don't cause a wreck with a fellow human creature.