Listening

Almost everything I do, whether in court, at church, at home goes so much better if I listen to others. When I have the attention to really listen to another person, it means I am at peace and focused. Paying attention to what is going on around you, even right in front of you is a way of listening. And, there is also an inner listening: listening to the movements of your own heart and mind. Buddhists speak of "mindfulness." I like that word.

But, so many days are spent in anxious movements, both physical and mental. And, so many conversations are nothing but alternating making noises come out of our respective mouths. When speech arises out of real listening, then it is part of an engaged conversation. That's when good things come to us, through us, and among us.

When we don't pay attention to what is really going on around us, in front of us . . . when we aren't listening to others . . . when we are unable to listen to the movements within ourselves; that is being in a state of "mindlessness." Mindlessness leads to meaninglessness which lands us in despair. Listening, really listening, is like sending roots down into the source of life. In listening we are renewed. Maybe we have to be renewed in our souls to be able to listen, but maybe in the simple act of listening, the renewal begins.

These three things I want to be rid of

It's Sunday evening. I'm typing slowly because I smashed my finger in the church door today. That is a big, old door, and my right middle finger is feeling it as it turns a darker shade of blue every hour or so.

Three things I ask to be delivered from: a spirit of anxiety; a spirit of self-importance; a spirit of criticism. These three problems came to me clearly a couple of years ago. Clearly, the anxiety is primal, at the deepest level. If I trust at that deep level in God, then the other evil spirits don't arise. But, my trust is lacking and so a spirit of self-importance arises and then with it criticism of others to justify my spirit of self-importance.

These three things I have learned in my almost 49 years of living. Three things I pray of you, O God:

Rid me of a spirit of anxiety
Banish that spirit of self-importance within me
Do away with that spirit of criticism (of others) within me

Amen.

Post-conviction DNA testing

As of January of 2009, there had been 229 exonerations through DNA testing of people convicted of very serious crimes in this country. That means that physical evidence that had been preserved from the crime scene was tested (for the presence of DNA) that established the actual innocence of the person that had been found guilty. One man who was acquitted was Dwayne Dail, who had served 18 1/2 years for the rape of a 12 year old girl. This 12 year old girl was raped, but by a man other than Dwayne Dail. On testing the sample from the crime scene, it was established that the rapist was not Dwayne Dail, but was another man about 10 years older (I think this other man was a convicted sex offender, but I'm not sure).

If you want to look at stories of two men who were wrongfully convicted and sent to prison, there are fairly detailed interviews on the internet. Just Google: "Dwayne Dail" or "Ronald Cotton."

When I went to this Post-conviction DNA conference in January, the most amazing thing I learned was that 20% of those proven innocent by DNA testing had actually confessed (and, pled guilty) to the crimes. That is really something to think about. It not only raises questions about errors in the investigative processes of law enforcement and the judical system; it raises some real concerns about real power of coercion involved in the criminal justice system. If we are concerned with justice, and if we do have respect for the right against self-incrimination; then, it should really worry us that 20% of those proven innocent by scientific testing actually confessed to crimes they didn't commit. That's what torture is supposed to produce, not a system that respects the dignity of human beings. Talking about getting it not just a little wrong, but completely wrong. It is frightening to think that this statistic about false confessions may just be "the tip of the iceberg." I hope that's not the case.

If I have a client who is on tape confessing to a crime, I think absolutely that that client is guilty. He did it if he said he did it, especially in a detailed account. But, that's what Bruce Godschalk did, in Pennsylvania v. Godschalk. He admitted to two rapes, with a fair amount of detail given. But, then insisted he was innocent. Years later after being in prison for about a decade, a lawyer convinced a Federal District Court Judge that Mr. Godschalk had a due process right to be conduct DNA testing on available samples from the evidence preserved in his case. The lawyer who convinced the judge to order DNA testing didn't think his client was innocent - nobody did. HE HAD CONFESSED IN DETAIL TO THE CRIMES. But, when the testing was done, it was proven that Mr. Godschalk was innocent of these rapes! When the whole story was told or revealed, serious law enforcement misconduct on was discovered and Mr. Godschalk and his lawyer settled for a fairly large sum, I am told.

That's the kind of worries I am talking about. Wondering about a process that can bring an innocent man to confess. It is something to wonder about. Perhaps we need to reconsider that old saying: "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Those detectives in Godschalk didn't use any "sticks or stones," only words.

So Many Things Left Undone

As our lives come to an end, so many of us have "so many things left undone." There is always another thing you want to get finished, a person you want to see make it through trouble, and young person you really want to see grow into adulthood. But, we don't have too much control over the ending of our lives, just like we don't have any control over the beginning.

So, we might as well accept that we will die with many things left undone. But, we have this day, and there are things we can do or not do today. Maybe the most important ones to do are not the things we think we "need to get done," but the things that deep down in our hearts we would really like to do.

"On the Outside Looking In"

That 10th commandment, "You shall not covet . . . " gets to something very deep and very tragic and twisted in human beings. It really means "don't become envious of others."

Soren Kierkegaard says: "envy is admiration grown sick." It is twisted or perverted admiration.

Envy is when we feel ourselves "on the outside looking in." The Indigo Girls have a song called: "Love Will Come to You" that expresses the longing of human beings for love, and the experience of being "on the outside looking in."

The words are vivid: "my face pressed up against love's glass . . . to see that shiny toy I've been hoping for, the one I never can afford . . . "

It is that haunting feeling that comes around for us that what we really long for is just out of reach.

Now, I know that sometimes a deep longing is very good and ought to be nurtured even if it is not fulfilled. But, I can't help think that so many of our "deep longings" are created out of some real brokenness and twistedness inside of us. What I am talking about is the tendency of human beings to manufacture a series of dreams that are just out of reach to keep ourselves miserable and in a state of always feeling like we are on the outside looking in. Watching a movie and feeling how wonderful it must be to share a love with another like it is portrayed in the movie, while you've got somebody back in the living room who loves you and would enjoy talking with you and sharing a hug with you right now. Not enjoying the nice place to live that we have because it's not as big and expensive a place as the family next door. Not appreciating the healthy body we have because we don't quite meet the standards for Miss or Mr. Universe.

Maybe when we feel like we are on the outside looking in, we ought to take some time to look inside of ourselves. The true longing of human beings is not to live up to some standard in the world outside of us, but to conform ourselves to a mystery deep within us. Now, with regard to that mystery, we may be "on the outside looking in."

Sunday Afternoon and the Feeling of Fall

On Sunday afternoon, I feel like I have finished my work week. And, that is when I can settle down and think on a few things.

I am thinking in a solemn sort of way this afternoon, some might call it a depressed sort of way. But, it is not depression. No, depression cuts you off from reality. This feeling is more in tune with reality, a feeling that slows you down inside, makes you feel the weight of this life.

Maybe it's just Fall, in all of its slowing down, in all of its melancholy, in all of its beauty.

The big experiences and commitments in my life have all come in the Fall: in my junior year in college when my grandmother and grandfather were dying of cancer, I was talking out loud to myself driving home from Clemson to see my grandmother in the hospital, and I felt this overwhelming sense of God's presence and purpose, and I just felt this joy inside, this joy to respond and say: "Yes, that's what my life is to be about!" I'm still not sure exactly what I said "yes" to, except that at the time I was thinking about four or five people that were suffering deeply that I cared very much for. I do feel very confident that I said 'yes' to God, whom I experienced then and experience now as being deeply given to the troubles of this world. That is my calling. Lately, I go back and forth as to whether I am carrying out my calling more as a lawyer with the Public Defender's Office or a pastor at my church. As I said I am not sure exactly "what" I said 'yes' to, but I am very sure about "whom" I said 'yes' to.

And, out of that experience came my application to transfer from Clemson to either Davidson or Wake Forest. What a great decision!

Two years later at Wake Forest, in the Fall again, I got to know someone that I fell in love with.

These experiences, these commitments, made during Fall. I do love Fall, the depths of it, the deep experiences that I still haven't figured out how to honor.

I can't help but think of sitting in the parking lot of the Wake Forest library in the Fall of 1982 with Sue, talking with each other like nothing else mattered.

Experiences and commitments. The openness of heart to really experience life and the joy and certainty of commitment arising out of these experiences. That is the heart of life.

And, it was in the Fall of 1990, that I decided I was going to apply to law school, leave my full-time work as a pastor, and become a part-time pastor, and move back home to Knoxville. Of course, our family moved, I took a part-time pastor position in South Knoxville, and hoped I would get in to UT Law School. I didn't apply anywhere else. In March, three months after we had already moved to Knoxville, I heard that I had gotten into law school.

But, before we moved, during the Fall of 1990, I remember two things real well: I remember that my Dad and I and Jimmy went out in the boat on Tellico Lake and saw the biggest bird I have ever seen in my life: a huge Golden Eagle, whose wings reflected that beautiful Fall sun as it turned and flew away from us. And, I remember discussing my plans to attend law school while keeping on being a minister. And, I remember that my Dad felt very good about it. He was always like that when I was confident in my plans. He could tell that Waters' determination when he saw it! I think if I had said that I was real sure that I was going to attempt to climb Mount Everest next month, and that if I was real committed to it, then Dad would have supported me. Of course, I never had to worry about Mom's support. That was just always there. That's the way good mothers are, and good mothers aren't all that common. But, those of us that have them -we take that wonderful love and support for granted too often.

And, I remember going to visit my friend Jeff's mother, who was dying of cancer at the time. She was in bed and weak, but when she heard I was planning to go to law school and continue being a minister, she said: "perfect, you think like a lawyer -perfect!"

Most people thought I was either giving up on ministry or going crazy when I said I was going to law school, but for those three or four that it made sense to, well, that was important to me. Three or four or five, that's about all you need in life to understand you. And, one or two is really enough if the understanding is deep. I guess I have been very fortunate to have had someone at about every point where the great decisions of life are made to look back at me with hope and faith. It's hard on those who start to commit themselves to a course of life and don't have that support. Of course, I am a Waters; I probably would have taken the same course if everyone I had known had told me I was crazy! Even so, I deeply appreciate the understanding. I do not take it for granted, especially not at this stage of life.

I really love Fall. And, I remember all of these things as the air begins to cool and the leaves begin to fall.

Exercising Authority and Luther's Saying: "Sin Boldly"

Martin Luther found himself in the middle of a religious and political revolution in 16th century Western Europe. He had only wanted to be a good Augustine monk when he entered the monastery. But, in this struggle, he was taken by surprise, almost like Paul was taken by surprise on the way to Damascus around the middle of the 1st century. What Luther was taken by surprise by was the living God, who to Luther's joy, was intent on saving, not condemning.

And, as Luther bore witness to what he had received, a mighty awakening occurred in Western Europe that shook the foundations of the Roman Catholic Church and the foundations of the social order. Luther was not prepared to be consulting with political leaders, but he had to. He learned in this difficult role that no matter what decision he made in public affairs, some bad would come of it. As he saw lay people revolting against the clergy/priests, he was horrified that priests were being killed. So, Luther took the side of the local authorities, who then went and cruelly killed hordes of innocent townspeople who were uninvolved in violence against priests. Luther felt at times like he would so much rather be dead than at the middle of this change. In this context, he took heart, and tried to proclaim what it really means to live by faith in such times: "Sin boldly," he said. What he meant was that we are to rely on God, seek God's glory, but not be afraid to act, knowing nonetheless that our actions will be tainted with sin. Nonetheless, we must act.