"O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high.
I do not occupy myself with things too great or too marvelous for me,
but I have calmed and quieted my soul.
Like a child quieted at its mother's breast, like a child that is quieted, is my soul.
O, Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forever more."
- Psalm 131
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Continuing Thinking About God and Suffering
I was just thinking of a poem written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer when he was in a Nazi prison camp in WWII. It is called "Christians and Pagans."
"Men go to God when they are sore bestead,
Pray to him for succour, for his peace, for bread,
For mercy for them sick, sinning, or dead;
All men do so, Christian and unbelieving.
"Men go to God when he is sore bestead,
Find him poor and scorned, without shelter or bread,
Whelmed under weight of the wicked, the weak, the dead;
Christians stand by God in his hour of grieving.
"God goes to every man when sore bestead,
Feeds body and spirit with his bread;
For Christians, pagans alike he hangs dead,
And both alike forgiving."
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
"Men go to God when they are sore bestead,
Pray to him for succour, for his peace, for bread,
For mercy for them sick, sinning, or dead;
All men do so, Christian and unbelieving.
"Men go to God when he is sore bestead,
Find him poor and scorned, without shelter or bread,
Whelmed under weight of the wicked, the weak, the dead;
Christians stand by God in his hour of grieving.
"God goes to every man when sore bestead,
Feeds body and spirit with his bread;
For Christians, pagans alike he hangs dead,
And both alike forgiving."
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Thinking While Praying
As I begin to pray at times for concerns about those I love and people I know, I also think as I pray. I think things like: "While I am praying this, there are mothers praying as their children die of starvation and injuries. While I am praying for this or that, there are little children who are being raped and who are praying to God for help and it doesn't come. While I am praying, etc., etc., etc."
And, I begin to ask and think more than pray sometimes, wondering before God about how in the world God can deal with all of what is going on in the world, and wondering how God is really involved. I apologized to God in my prayer last night saying something like: "I wouldn't expect you to hear concerns like these when you have so many greater cries for help and need in this world." And, then it seemed to me that I was heard, heard because I realized where I stood in this world, heard because I began to feel the burden of God in this world.
And, I also was thinking as I often think that God does not always seem able to bring relief and help. That sounds blasphemous to some, but I think God is real and is really involved in the history of humanity and that means that God does not manipulate happenings like someone manipulating puppets on strings. If God was really able to save every little child who is being raped and beaten right now, I think God would save them from it. I do not believe God stands "at a distance,", nor do I believe that somehow the raping of little children is part of God's mysterious plan. No, it is part of a creation in rebellion against God's goodness, God's mercy and God's love.
Sometimes I think the Lord of the Rings is one of the best representation of how things really are in this world. There is a real struggle between good and evil, and good has an integrity and a persistence that makes life worth living. But, good doesn't always win out in this world. One day, I believe, it will, as it says in Rev. 21:1-4, but until then, we are part of a struggle.
Jesus prayed: "Thy kingdom come; thy will be done - on earth as it is in heaven." Doesn't that show that God's will often is not done on earth?! Otherwise, why would Jesus have prayed that way?
Also, in the Gospels we are told that Jesus couldn't perform any miracles in his hometown because they had no faith. God does seem to have chosen to need human cooperation in this world. In creating, God seems to have given himself to a certain extent to the creation, so that God is affected even as God affects the creatures he has made.
Just some things I have been thinking while I am praying.
As I was thinking these things last night, right at the end of my praying, everything became very, very simple, so that I quit thinking and prayed a very simple prayer that had no words, a prayer so simple it gave me a sense of peace and I fell asleep.
And, I begin to ask and think more than pray sometimes, wondering before God about how in the world God can deal with all of what is going on in the world, and wondering how God is really involved. I apologized to God in my prayer last night saying something like: "I wouldn't expect you to hear concerns like these when you have so many greater cries for help and need in this world." And, then it seemed to me that I was heard, heard because I realized where I stood in this world, heard because I began to feel the burden of God in this world.
And, I also was thinking as I often think that God does not always seem able to bring relief and help. That sounds blasphemous to some, but I think God is real and is really involved in the history of humanity and that means that God does not manipulate happenings like someone manipulating puppets on strings. If God was really able to save every little child who is being raped and beaten right now, I think God would save them from it. I do not believe God stands "at a distance,", nor do I believe that somehow the raping of little children is part of God's mysterious plan. No, it is part of a creation in rebellion against God's goodness, God's mercy and God's love.
Sometimes I think the Lord of the Rings is one of the best representation of how things really are in this world. There is a real struggle between good and evil, and good has an integrity and a persistence that makes life worth living. But, good doesn't always win out in this world. One day, I believe, it will, as it says in Rev. 21:1-4, but until then, we are part of a struggle.
Jesus prayed: "Thy kingdom come; thy will be done - on earth as it is in heaven." Doesn't that show that God's will often is not done on earth?! Otherwise, why would Jesus have prayed that way?
Also, in the Gospels we are told that Jesus couldn't perform any miracles in his hometown because they had no faith. God does seem to have chosen to need human cooperation in this world. In creating, God seems to have given himself to a certain extent to the creation, so that God is affected even as God affects the creatures he has made.
Just some things I have been thinking while I am praying.
As I was thinking these things last night, right at the end of my praying, everything became very, very simple, so that I quit thinking and prayed a very simple prayer that had no words, a prayer so simple it gave me a sense of peace and I fell asleep.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Some thoughts on this new year
I haven't been on the computer much since my laptop was messed up, but it is working again. It doesn't seem like it could be January 13 today. This is my wife, Sue's, 50th birthday, and my daughter is leaving on a plane for South Africa this Sunday. She will be returning in about 5 1/2 months. That sounds so long to me right now!
Jimmy will be taking two science classes at UT, and I am teaching a night class to part-time law students at LMU in Knoxville each Tuesday and Thursday. So, the new year has started off in some different directions. The hardest thing to deal with is my daughter heading off towards a place so far away. But, it is also such a wonderful chance to go to a land so different from our land, and a nation that is so young and struggling so hard to find its way to a real sense of freedom and justice and peace. I was thinking late last night that no matter what land you are in you are not really an "alien" or a "foreigner," if you really believe that all lands are ultimately God's lands, and if you believe deep in your heart that all people are ultimately God's people. If you carry that faith in your heart, you will find your home wherever you are, and others will welcome you whereever you are.
Jimmy will be taking two science classes at UT, and I am teaching a night class to part-time law students at LMU in Knoxville each Tuesday and Thursday. So, the new year has started off in some different directions. The hardest thing to deal with is my daughter heading off towards a place so far away. But, it is also such a wonderful chance to go to a land so different from our land, and a nation that is so young and struggling so hard to find its way to a real sense of freedom and justice and peace. I was thinking late last night that no matter what land you are in you are not really an "alien" or a "foreigner," if you really believe that all lands are ultimately God's lands, and if you believe deep in your heart that all people are ultimately God's people. If you carry that faith in your heart, you will find your home wherever you are, and others will welcome you whereever you are.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
RE-entry into work and some reflections on how important it is to treat people like people
It has been alright getting back to work after what was a real week off. Part of what helped was that both of the days in court were not too heavy, which meant I had less than ten clients and time to actually talk to my clients like they were human beings. On Tuesday, I even had the luxury of sitting down at a table across from my clients and discussing their legal situation and their life situation! Public Defender work really does stretch you at times. Most the time I know very well what to do legally to get my client a good deal, but I don't have time to let my client know what is going on or that I know what is going on. But, by the way I do things, they can at least tell I know what is going on, and what I am doing. But, I hate leaving them out of it all, as if they didn't matter, when its their life in the balance. I remember being in court several times and telling a client: "If you will just shut up, I'll get you out of jail." Another time I remember saying: "When we go in front of the judge, just keep your mouth shut; it is what I say that will get you out of jail." And, I do produce. I get people good deals; I get people out of jail.
But, when I have a couple of days like I did this week, I can really enjoy practicing law. Because I had the time and took it - to just talk with my clients and get to know them a little.
I remember one terrible day at the Public Defender's Office. We had a young woman (mid-20's) who had a couple of minor charges. The only reason she remained in jail was that she hadn't paid her court costs in an old case. I had briefly dealt with one of her cases a couple of days before, and then that Friday morning she went to court for the court cost case which was holding her in jail. And, one of our attorneys went in front of the judge and presented her case, and the judge ordered her held for two weeks until the hearing date (this was all over $2oo or $300 she hadn't paid). I remember she had stitches in her head, because she had had a seizure and fallen and hit her head. And, right after the judge ordered her held, they took her back to the holding cell. She told the guard that she wasn't feeling well - could she go back down to the jail now. He took her down. When she got down there, she found a belt and hung herself.
Our attorney that was in court that day felt terrible. He was rushed, under pressure with about 20 cases to deal with. I felt bad too, because I remember sort of rushing through talking to her on her case a couple of days before.
If anyone had taken the time to treat her like a human being, she might be alive today. And, why in the hell was it worth putting her in jail over court costs? I really hate our legal system here in Blount County sometimes. A few dollars weigh more than human life and human concerns on many days. And, many times we fight against this inhumanity of the system in our office, but there are days that we are just another part of this inhumane system that crushes people.
But, when I have a couple of days like I did this week, I can really enjoy practicing law. Because I had the time and took it - to just talk with my clients and get to know them a little.
I remember one terrible day at the Public Defender's Office. We had a young woman (mid-20's) who had a couple of minor charges. The only reason she remained in jail was that she hadn't paid her court costs in an old case. I had briefly dealt with one of her cases a couple of days before, and then that Friday morning she went to court for the court cost case which was holding her in jail. And, one of our attorneys went in front of the judge and presented her case, and the judge ordered her held for two weeks until the hearing date (this was all over $2oo or $300 she hadn't paid). I remember she had stitches in her head, because she had had a seizure and fallen and hit her head. And, right after the judge ordered her held, they took her back to the holding cell. She told the guard that she wasn't feeling well - could she go back down to the jail now. He took her down. When she got down there, she found a belt and hung herself.
Our attorney that was in court that day felt terrible. He was rushed, under pressure with about 20 cases to deal with. I felt bad too, because I remember sort of rushing through talking to her on her case a couple of days before.
If anyone had taken the time to treat her like a human being, she might be alive today. And, why in the hell was it worth putting her in jail over court costs? I really hate our legal system here in Blount County sometimes. A few dollars weigh more than human life and human concerns on many days. And, many times we fight against this inhumanity of the system in our office, but there are days that we are just another part of this inhumane system that crushes people.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Quote from St. Augustine
"We are talking about God. What wonder is it that you do not understand?
If you do understand, then it is not God."
- St. Augustine
If you do understand, then it is not God."
- St. Augustine
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Thinking about Lawyering and Living
Now that I am off from work at the Public Defender's Office for a whole week, I have been thinking on and off about what it means for me to practice law. I practice almost solely as a criminal defense attorney, representing people charged with crimes who don't have enough money to hire an attorney.
And, that brings up one thing I really like about doing a good job as a public defender. If I am really doing a good job, then that means that a poor person in Blount Co, TN has as good a defense attorney as a rich person. It makes me happy to think about that. What makes me even happier is that our Public Defender's Office clearly provides better legal representation to clients than most of the private attorneys in our area who practice criminal defense.
Being an attorney in the area of criminal defense means "standing with someone in trouble." Now, oftentimes, the person is in trouble because they have violated the law; sometimes, like a man I had a trial for last week, people are in trouble because an officer charged them with a crime they didn't commit. But, whether my client is actually guilty or innocent or somewhere in between (that happens - life is complicated!), it is my duty to stand with them in the legal system - a system in which the government has decided to "prosecute" them.
Until you are being prosecuted, or are close to someone who is being prosecuted, it is hard to understand what it is like. For the government to decide they want to charge you with a crime is not simply someone saying: "hey, you did something wrong:" it is the most powerful authority saying: "you violated our state's laws, and we are going to punish you for it. We are going to put you in jail; then bring you to court; then try to get you stamped with a criminal conviction which you can carry around on your record everytime you apply for a job, or a school, etc. We are going to threaten you with jail time, etc. or at least probation and costs and fines."
I think the biggest thing that is hard to understand is how a person gets falsely charged. When that happens to a person, it becomes clear just how powerful the executive branch of government is (law enforcement/DAs), and just how inept the judicial system can be as a protection against wrongful prosecution. What happens is fairly simple. Here's an example:
A crime is committed. Let's say a really terrible crime: a child has been raped. Law enforcement feels pressure to solve the crime for obvious reasons. And, a suspect is identified. Let's say a neighbor saw this suspect around the child's house where the rape occurred on that same day. The suspect does not live in that neighborhood. The suspect has been convicted of assault and burglary before, and has a sexual assault charge as a juvenile. The suspect begins to look like a real possibility and becomes the focus of the investigation. Being influenced by law enforcement, the child picks the suspect out of a lineup (not real convincingly, but then more convincingly as time goes on). The suspect is interviewed regarding his whereabouts that day. He admits to being in that neighborhood, but can't give a good reason why he was there. He can't provide an alibi to show he wasn't in the neighborhood at the time the crime was committed. He is caught in a couple of inconsistencies. Now, law enforcement begins to gather all sorts of evidence that would support him being the rapist. And, law enforcement ignores any evidence that does not support him being the rapist.
It is amazing how strong a case you can make against someone if you only take account of those things which support guilt while ignoring all things which don't support guilt.
The example given above is pretty close to what happened in a North Carolina investigation twenty years ago, an investigation which resulted in an innocent man being convicted and a guilty man not being charged. Eventually the error was discovered by DNA testing, and after 11 years in prison, the innocent man was freed, and the guilty man was located - a previously convicted sex offender and charged.
But, the weight of the prosecuting branch of government on a single human being is a very heavy weight, and the protective power of the court system can be very weak.
Now, I don't want to act as if this is a common occurrence, but in real serious crimes it is probably more common than we would like to think. And, most criminal investigations don't go this wrong. But, many criminal investigations go a little and lot wrong, this way and that, because of a rush to judgment, and the desire to resolve a situation by blaming someone. Somehow human beings feel better when someone can be blamed for a terrible thing. We don't do well with "not knowing."
That's what I am thinking about today. How important it is in life to be able to live with "not knowing." If you can do that, you can consider more facts, can keep your mind and heart open to more things, before you try to decide something. Scientists are supposed to be able to do this. Judges are supposed to be able to do this. Truth is: scientists and judges often fail as often as the common man on the street in enduring "not knowing." But, they shouldn't. And, we as human beings shouldn't. To live with "not knowing" is to live in harmony with the way things really are in the world. There are always so many things that we will never quite understand, so many things which don't make much sense. It is not particularly easy to admit or accept this; but, in the long run it is a far more peaceful and humane way to live. It takes an enormous amount of effort to grate against reality; it is like swimming against the current of life. To be in harmony with life is to understand things, but the greatest part of understanding is when you realize how much you don't know.
And, that brings up one thing I really like about doing a good job as a public defender. If I am really doing a good job, then that means that a poor person in Blount Co, TN has as good a defense attorney as a rich person. It makes me happy to think about that. What makes me even happier is that our Public Defender's Office clearly provides better legal representation to clients than most of the private attorneys in our area who practice criminal defense.
Being an attorney in the area of criminal defense means "standing with someone in trouble." Now, oftentimes, the person is in trouble because they have violated the law; sometimes, like a man I had a trial for last week, people are in trouble because an officer charged them with a crime they didn't commit. But, whether my client is actually guilty or innocent or somewhere in between (that happens - life is complicated!), it is my duty to stand with them in the legal system - a system in which the government has decided to "prosecute" them.
Until you are being prosecuted, or are close to someone who is being prosecuted, it is hard to understand what it is like. For the government to decide they want to charge you with a crime is not simply someone saying: "hey, you did something wrong:" it is the most powerful authority saying: "you violated our state's laws, and we are going to punish you for it. We are going to put you in jail; then bring you to court; then try to get you stamped with a criminal conviction which you can carry around on your record everytime you apply for a job, or a school, etc. We are going to threaten you with jail time, etc. or at least probation and costs and fines."
I think the biggest thing that is hard to understand is how a person gets falsely charged. When that happens to a person, it becomes clear just how powerful the executive branch of government is (law enforcement/DAs), and just how inept the judicial system can be as a protection against wrongful prosecution. What happens is fairly simple. Here's an example:
A crime is committed. Let's say a really terrible crime: a child has been raped. Law enforcement feels pressure to solve the crime for obvious reasons. And, a suspect is identified. Let's say a neighbor saw this suspect around the child's house where the rape occurred on that same day. The suspect does not live in that neighborhood. The suspect has been convicted of assault and burglary before, and has a sexual assault charge as a juvenile. The suspect begins to look like a real possibility and becomes the focus of the investigation. Being influenced by law enforcement, the child picks the suspect out of a lineup (not real convincingly, but then more convincingly as time goes on). The suspect is interviewed regarding his whereabouts that day. He admits to being in that neighborhood, but can't give a good reason why he was there. He can't provide an alibi to show he wasn't in the neighborhood at the time the crime was committed. He is caught in a couple of inconsistencies. Now, law enforcement begins to gather all sorts of evidence that would support him being the rapist. And, law enforcement ignores any evidence that does not support him being the rapist.
It is amazing how strong a case you can make against someone if you only take account of those things which support guilt while ignoring all things which don't support guilt.
The example given above is pretty close to what happened in a North Carolina investigation twenty years ago, an investigation which resulted in an innocent man being convicted and a guilty man not being charged. Eventually the error was discovered by DNA testing, and after 11 years in prison, the innocent man was freed, and the guilty man was located - a previously convicted sex offender and charged.
But, the weight of the prosecuting branch of government on a single human being is a very heavy weight, and the protective power of the court system can be very weak.
Now, I don't want to act as if this is a common occurrence, but in real serious crimes it is probably more common than we would like to think. And, most criminal investigations don't go this wrong. But, many criminal investigations go a little and lot wrong, this way and that, because of a rush to judgment, and the desire to resolve a situation by blaming someone. Somehow human beings feel better when someone can be blamed for a terrible thing. We don't do well with "not knowing."
That's what I am thinking about today. How important it is in life to be able to live with "not knowing." If you can do that, you can consider more facts, can keep your mind and heart open to more things, before you try to decide something. Scientists are supposed to be able to do this. Judges are supposed to be able to do this. Truth is: scientists and judges often fail as often as the common man on the street in enduring "not knowing." But, they shouldn't. And, we as human beings shouldn't. To live with "not knowing" is to live in harmony with the way things really are in the world. There are always so many things that we will never quite understand, so many things which don't make much sense. It is not particularly easy to admit or accept this; but, in the long run it is a far more peaceful and humane way to live. It takes an enormous amount of effort to grate against reality; it is like swimming against the current of life. To be in harmony with life is to understand things, but the greatest part of understanding is when you realize how much you don't know.
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