I am sitting here looking out the window towards Chilhowee Mountain. It is snowing. It is Saturday afternoon. And, I am remembering one of the best times I ever had in my life.
I was in high school at the time. I think I was a senior in high school. Mom and Dad and I were at “Pine Haven,” about 600 plus acres of land at the base and on up to the top of Chilhowee Mountain (a foothill of the Smoky Mountains). We had gone there that day to walk around in the woods and to climb and explore Chilhowee Mountain. And, we did.
It was a beautiful day. We just went where we decided to go – no set plans. And, we found one beautiful place after another. At one point, we just sort of stopped and settled into our own separate places. I climbed a tree and saw way out over to the Little Tennessee River; Dad was climbing up looking over the next ridge; Mom was sitting on the ground, and I could just hear her singing one of her favorite hymns.
I remember that day as if it was yesterday. We were in the presence of God, joyfully together in the presence of God. We, the three of us, slid down through the leaves, going pretty fast at times, down that mountain side. At one point, we slid right to the edge of a big drop-off. But, we were in the Spirit that day, and stopped just short of disaster. God's presence brings joy and freedom. I am grateful to have dwelled in that presence on that day.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Gangs, Fraternities, and the Stubborn Way of the Hillbilly
I have been thinking about how I was raised, and how I really approach situations in life. I am a Hillbilly, which means I am a child of the Appalachian Mountains, who is a stubborn individualist. Now, I was taught at times in school and certainly in seminary about how awful it is to be invidualistic, but I never really accepted that academic teaching. Sure, I understood that it was a real negative to be selfish and unable to identify with or care about those outside "the narrow confines of your day to day life," but I never really bought all the stuff about individuals being defined by a community. Sure, each of us is shaped deeply by our social environment, but there is something in the individual that the social environment can't determine. There is a central core in each person that reflects the mystery of God. So, I have always seen it from the other direction: a community is defined by its individuals and there is something irreducible and indestructible and well, indefinable about "the individual human being."
During college I came across writers like Kierkegaard and other existentialists who protested against all systems of thought which would ignore the category of the individual. And, then we have the Americans like Thoreau who experience the deep value of the individual. I was raised in the Appalachian/hillbilly tradition of thinking that "the herd" is usually always wrong, and if you go your own individual way you might be wrong, but you are more likely to be right than if you follow the crowd, and then at least you have a little dignity left if you don't allow others to determine who you are. As Bruce Cockburn sings: "Last time I heard, only God gets to say what has to be."
My Dad didn't teach me too many strict rules for living, but one thing he said over and over again was "if you have to be accepted by any group to feel like something, then you are in real trouble in life." Life just really wouldn't have been worth living for Dad if he had ever thought he had to wait around and look over his shoulder to see if somebody approved what he was doing. He would make his choices, live his life, try to help others in living, and that would be enough. In as sense that is the real goodness in the Appalachian way of life. YOU MAKE YOUR CHOICES, YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE, YOU TRY TO HELP OTHERS AS THEY LIVE THEIR LIVES, AND THAT IS ENOUGH. IF ANYONE ELSE HELPS YOU OUT, THAT IS A REAL GIFT, BUT NOT EXPECTED. AND, WHEN YOU REFLECT ON WHETHER YOU ARE LIVING YOUR LIFE THE RIGHT WAY OR NOT, YOU PULL AWAY FROM THE CROWD AND YOU COME BEFORE GOD THE BEST YOU CAN, AND YOU TRY TO LOOK AT YOUR LIFE HONESTLY. THERE MIGHT BE A TIME OR TWO IN LIFE WHEN YOU SHARE THIS REFLECTION WITH A TRUSTED FRIEND OR LOVED ONE, AND, WELL, THERE MIGHT NOT BE.
I guess when it comes down to it, I am a pretty trusting hillbilly, but I am still a hillbilly. My idea of a good place to live is a place where you can't see any other houses, streets, neighbors, or hear them.
Well, back to needing to be a part of a group to have a sense of identity.
I have never had respect for fraternities or gangs, or any group that purports to give someone an identity. There are times when religious groups, including churches, seem like fraternities to me. I know that people are out wandering around lost in this world just looking for someone to tell them who they are, just looking for some group to adopt them and tell them they are worth something. There is a real temptation in this world for the church to do this same thing. Individuals are needy in this great desire to feel like somebody. And, I think we in the church, including a preacher like me, are too quick to tell people who they are. I am too quick to say "you are a child of God" without also allowing a person to define who they are for me. Those words "you are a child of God" have little content, little meaning, unless they are spoken in a real conversation, a real relationship where that "child of God" is coming to express and understand his or her own self.
The only real community I have ever known anything about is a community that gives a lot of room for individual peculiarities, accepts a lot of nonsense from individuals, and somehow draws the best out of individuals which in turn allows for the best community possible. I guess you would call my view of community one that starts from the "grass roots," which is to say, starts from its individual pieces. It is significant that Paul's definition of the Christian community gave a lot of attention to individual differences and the importance of respecting those. You didn't have to conform to some preset role defined by the community, but the community had to figure out how to accomodate your God-given, perhaps even peculiar gifts and bear with your weaknesses as well, just as you were to do the same for others.
Our identity is from God, from our Creator. But, I'm not sure whether that can be said without telling real stories of human lives. I have been reading Nelson Mandela's autobiography, and it is so clear that though there were motivating forces for his identity as "an African" or his identity as "Xhosa," there was nothing so strong that saw him through as his identity as an individual human being who could not be defined ultimately either by tribe or color or even religious association. He refused to be bound by an arranged marriage. Though at first, he wanted to identify politically only with black Africans, he came to another view of that that suited both the needs of the day and his own desires as well. I'm still reading the book, but this is the way it seems to be going. There is something in that individual will of his that is simply "God-determined," or that is in direct communion with the Eternal.
To me, gangs and fraternities and so many group affiliations, if they are really taken to heart, are similar expressions at different levels of social need. To me they seem like a way to try and get an identity the false way, the way that takes no courage, no independence. And, this way of receiving an identity from a group is demeaning in the long run, and often even in the short run.
A young man or woman in a scary world needs to figure out how to be human without somebody giving him or her the answers already worked out. That's my problem with gangs and fraternities or sororities and even religious groups that over-define individuals. I'll leave the military out of this discussion. And, yes, I know the people who face the choice of joining gangs face choices much more critical and scary than I have faced. And, yes, I know that there are healtier and unhealthier levels of commitment to such groups, whether they be gangs or fraternities. But, still, a hillbilly would die in a gang - or die even a little in a fraternity for that matter. We can't have anybody but God telling us who we are, and all the little details of how we work that out, and so many of us hillbillies just can't hear that word without spending a lot of time alone in the mountains. If the word we hear alone is a little confused or twisted, at least we came by our confusion honestly and not by following the crowd. And, there is some dignity in that.
And, I'll close with some words of a song I remember from my high school days. This song by Charlie Daniels reminds me of that hillbilly spirit. I am not trying to Baptize this way of life as if it is always holy and good. It is not, but, then again, it can be too. When this stubborn Appalachian spirit is illuminated by God's Spirit, some wonderful things can happen. I've seen them in my life.
"Preacher man talkin on t.v., putting down the rock and roll. Wants me to send a donation, cause he's worried about my soul. He says 'Jesus walked on the water' - well, I know that is true, but sometimes I think that preacher man would like to do a little walkin too."
"I ain't asking nobody for nothing . . if I can't get it own my own. If you don't like the way I'm living, you just leave this long haired country boy alone."
During college I came across writers like Kierkegaard and other existentialists who protested against all systems of thought which would ignore the category of the individual. And, then we have the Americans like Thoreau who experience the deep value of the individual. I was raised in the Appalachian/hillbilly tradition of thinking that "the herd" is usually always wrong, and if you go your own individual way you might be wrong, but you are more likely to be right than if you follow the crowd, and then at least you have a little dignity left if you don't allow others to determine who you are. As Bruce Cockburn sings: "Last time I heard, only God gets to say what has to be."
My Dad didn't teach me too many strict rules for living, but one thing he said over and over again was "if you have to be accepted by any group to feel like something, then you are in real trouble in life." Life just really wouldn't have been worth living for Dad if he had ever thought he had to wait around and look over his shoulder to see if somebody approved what he was doing. He would make his choices, live his life, try to help others in living, and that would be enough. In as sense that is the real goodness in the Appalachian way of life. YOU MAKE YOUR CHOICES, YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE, YOU TRY TO HELP OTHERS AS THEY LIVE THEIR LIVES, AND THAT IS ENOUGH. IF ANYONE ELSE HELPS YOU OUT, THAT IS A REAL GIFT, BUT NOT EXPECTED. AND, WHEN YOU REFLECT ON WHETHER YOU ARE LIVING YOUR LIFE THE RIGHT WAY OR NOT, YOU PULL AWAY FROM THE CROWD AND YOU COME BEFORE GOD THE BEST YOU CAN, AND YOU TRY TO LOOK AT YOUR LIFE HONESTLY. THERE MIGHT BE A TIME OR TWO IN LIFE WHEN YOU SHARE THIS REFLECTION WITH A TRUSTED FRIEND OR LOVED ONE, AND, WELL, THERE MIGHT NOT BE.
I guess when it comes down to it, I am a pretty trusting hillbilly, but I am still a hillbilly. My idea of a good place to live is a place where you can't see any other houses, streets, neighbors, or hear them.
Well, back to needing to be a part of a group to have a sense of identity.
I have never had respect for fraternities or gangs, or any group that purports to give someone an identity. There are times when religious groups, including churches, seem like fraternities to me. I know that people are out wandering around lost in this world just looking for someone to tell them who they are, just looking for some group to adopt them and tell them they are worth something. There is a real temptation in this world for the church to do this same thing. Individuals are needy in this great desire to feel like somebody. And, I think we in the church, including a preacher like me, are too quick to tell people who they are. I am too quick to say "you are a child of God" without also allowing a person to define who they are for me. Those words "you are a child of God" have little content, little meaning, unless they are spoken in a real conversation, a real relationship where that "child of God" is coming to express and understand his or her own self.
The only real community I have ever known anything about is a community that gives a lot of room for individual peculiarities, accepts a lot of nonsense from individuals, and somehow draws the best out of individuals which in turn allows for the best community possible. I guess you would call my view of community one that starts from the "grass roots," which is to say, starts from its individual pieces. It is significant that Paul's definition of the Christian community gave a lot of attention to individual differences and the importance of respecting those. You didn't have to conform to some preset role defined by the community, but the community had to figure out how to accomodate your God-given, perhaps even peculiar gifts and bear with your weaknesses as well, just as you were to do the same for others.
Our identity is from God, from our Creator. But, I'm not sure whether that can be said without telling real stories of human lives. I have been reading Nelson Mandela's autobiography, and it is so clear that though there were motivating forces for his identity as "an African" or his identity as "Xhosa," there was nothing so strong that saw him through as his identity as an individual human being who could not be defined ultimately either by tribe or color or even religious association. He refused to be bound by an arranged marriage. Though at first, he wanted to identify politically only with black Africans, he came to another view of that that suited both the needs of the day and his own desires as well. I'm still reading the book, but this is the way it seems to be going. There is something in that individual will of his that is simply "God-determined," or that is in direct communion with the Eternal.
To me, gangs and fraternities and so many group affiliations, if they are really taken to heart, are similar expressions at different levels of social need. To me they seem like a way to try and get an identity the false way, the way that takes no courage, no independence. And, this way of receiving an identity from a group is demeaning in the long run, and often even in the short run.
A young man or woman in a scary world needs to figure out how to be human without somebody giving him or her the answers already worked out. That's my problem with gangs and fraternities or sororities and even religious groups that over-define individuals. I'll leave the military out of this discussion. And, yes, I know the people who face the choice of joining gangs face choices much more critical and scary than I have faced. And, yes, I know that there are healtier and unhealthier levels of commitment to such groups, whether they be gangs or fraternities. But, still, a hillbilly would die in a gang - or die even a little in a fraternity for that matter. We can't have anybody but God telling us who we are, and all the little details of how we work that out, and so many of us hillbillies just can't hear that word without spending a lot of time alone in the mountains. If the word we hear alone is a little confused or twisted, at least we came by our confusion honestly and not by following the crowd. And, there is some dignity in that.
And, I'll close with some words of a song I remember from my high school days. This song by Charlie Daniels reminds me of that hillbilly spirit. I am not trying to Baptize this way of life as if it is always holy and good. It is not, but, then again, it can be too. When this stubborn Appalachian spirit is illuminated by God's Spirit, some wonderful things can happen. I've seen them in my life.
"Preacher man talkin on t.v., putting down the rock and roll. Wants me to send a donation, cause he's worried about my soul. He says 'Jesus walked on the water' - well, I know that is true, but sometimes I think that preacher man would like to do a little walkin too."
"I ain't asking nobody for nothing . . if I can't get it own my own. If you don't like the way I'm living, you just leave this long haired country boy alone."
Sunday, January 17, 2010
A Psalm that is in my heart this morning
"O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high.
I do not occupy myself with things too great or too marvelous for me,
but I have calmed and quieted my soul.
Like a child quieted at its mother's breast, like a child that is quieted, is my soul.
O, Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forever more."
- Psalm 131
I do not occupy myself with things too great or too marvelous for me,
but I have calmed and quieted my soul.
Like a child quieted at its mother's breast, like a child that is quieted, is my soul.
O, Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forever more."
- Psalm 131
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Continuing Thinking About God and Suffering
I was just thinking of a poem written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer when he was in a Nazi prison camp in WWII. It is called "Christians and Pagans."
"Men go to God when they are sore bestead,
Pray to him for succour, for his peace, for bread,
For mercy for them sick, sinning, or dead;
All men do so, Christian and unbelieving.
"Men go to God when he is sore bestead,
Find him poor and scorned, without shelter or bread,
Whelmed under weight of the wicked, the weak, the dead;
Christians stand by God in his hour of grieving.
"God goes to every man when sore bestead,
Feeds body and spirit with his bread;
For Christians, pagans alike he hangs dead,
And both alike forgiving."
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
"Men go to God when they are sore bestead,
Pray to him for succour, for his peace, for bread,
For mercy for them sick, sinning, or dead;
All men do so, Christian and unbelieving.
"Men go to God when he is sore bestead,
Find him poor and scorned, without shelter or bread,
Whelmed under weight of the wicked, the weak, the dead;
Christians stand by God in his hour of grieving.
"God goes to every man when sore bestead,
Feeds body and spirit with his bread;
For Christians, pagans alike he hangs dead,
And both alike forgiving."
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Thinking While Praying
As I begin to pray at times for concerns about those I love and people I know, I also think as I pray. I think things like: "While I am praying this, there are mothers praying as their children die of starvation and injuries. While I am praying for this or that, there are little children who are being raped and who are praying to God for help and it doesn't come. While I am praying, etc., etc., etc."
And, I begin to ask and think more than pray sometimes, wondering before God about how in the world God can deal with all of what is going on in the world, and wondering how God is really involved. I apologized to God in my prayer last night saying something like: "I wouldn't expect you to hear concerns like these when you have so many greater cries for help and need in this world." And, then it seemed to me that I was heard, heard because I realized where I stood in this world, heard because I began to feel the burden of God in this world.
And, I also was thinking as I often think that God does not always seem able to bring relief and help. That sounds blasphemous to some, but I think God is real and is really involved in the history of humanity and that means that God does not manipulate happenings like someone manipulating puppets on strings. If God was really able to save every little child who is being raped and beaten right now, I think God would save them from it. I do not believe God stands "at a distance,", nor do I believe that somehow the raping of little children is part of God's mysterious plan. No, it is part of a creation in rebellion against God's goodness, God's mercy and God's love.
Sometimes I think the Lord of the Rings is one of the best representation of how things really are in this world. There is a real struggle between good and evil, and good has an integrity and a persistence that makes life worth living. But, good doesn't always win out in this world. One day, I believe, it will, as it says in Rev. 21:1-4, but until then, we are part of a struggle.
Jesus prayed: "Thy kingdom come; thy will be done - on earth as it is in heaven." Doesn't that show that God's will often is not done on earth?! Otherwise, why would Jesus have prayed that way?
Also, in the Gospels we are told that Jesus couldn't perform any miracles in his hometown because they had no faith. God does seem to have chosen to need human cooperation in this world. In creating, God seems to have given himself to a certain extent to the creation, so that God is affected even as God affects the creatures he has made.
Just some things I have been thinking while I am praying.
As I was thinking these things last night, right at the end of my praying, everything became very, very simple, so that I quit thinking and prayed a very simple prayer that had no words, a prayer so simple it gave me a sense of peace and I fell asleep.
And, I begin to ask and think more than pray sometimes, wondering before God about how in the world God can deal with all of what is going on in the world, and wondering how God is really involved. I apologized to God in my prayer last night saying something like: "I wouldn't expect you to hear concerns like these when you have so many greater cries for help and need in this world." And, then it seemed to me that I was heard, heard because I realized where I stood in this world, heard because I began to feel the burden of God in this world.
And, I also was thinking as I often think that God does not always seem able to bring relief and help. That sounds blasphemous to some, but I think God is real and is really involved in the history of humanity and that means that God does not manipulate happenings like someone manipulating puppets on strings. If God was really able to save every little child who is being raped and beaten right now, I think God would save them from it. I do not believe God stands "at a distance,", nor do I believe that somehow the raping of little children is part of God's mysterious plan. No, it is part of a creation in rebellion against God's goodness, God's mercy and God's love.
Sometimes I think the Lord of the Rings is one of the best representation of how things really are in this world. There is a real struggle between good and evil, and good has an integrity and a persistence that makes life worth living. But, good doesn't always win out in this world. One day, I believe, it will, as it says in Rev. 21:1-4, but until then, we are part of a struggle.
Jesus prayed: "Thy kingdom come; thy will be done - on earth as it is in heaven." Doesn't that show that God's will often is not done on earth?! Otherwise, why would Jesus have prayed that way?
Also, in the Gospels we are told that Jesus couldn't perform any miracles in his hometown because they had no faith. God does seem to have chosen to need human cooperation in this world. In creating, God seems to have given himself to a certain extent to the creation, so that God is affected even as God affects the creatures he has made.
Just some things I have been thinking while I am praying.
As I was thinking these things last night, right at the end of my praying, everything became very, very simple, so that I quit thinking and prayed a very simple prayer that had no words, a prayer so simple it gave me a sense of peace and I fell asleep.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Some thoughts on this new year
I haven't been on the computer much since my laptop was messed up, but it is working again. It doesn't seem like it could be January 13 today. This is my wife, Sue's, 50th birthday, and my daughter is leaving on a plane for South Africa this Sunday. She will be returning in about 5 1/2 months. That sounds so long to me right now!
Jimmy will be taking two science classes at UT, and I am teaching a night class to part-time law students at LMU in Knoxville each Tuesday and Thursday. So, the new year has started off in some different directions. The hardest thing to deal with is my daughter heading off towards a place so far away. But, it is also such a wonderful chance to go to a land so different from our land, and a nation that is so young and struggling so hard to find its way to a real sense of freedom and justice and peace. I was thinking late last night that no matter what land you are in you are not really an "alien" or a "foreigner," if you really believe that all lands are ultimately God's lands, and if you believe deep in your heart that all people are ultimately God's people. If you carry that faith in your heart, you will find your home wherever you are, and others will welcome you whereever you are.
Jimmy will be taking two science classes at UT, and I am teaching a night class to part-time law students at LMU in Knoxville each Tuesday and Thursday. So, the new year has started off in some different directions. The hardest thing to deal with is my daughter heading off towards a place so far away. But, it is also such a wonderful chance to go to a land so different from our land, and a nation that is so young and struggling so hard to find its way to a real sense of freedom and justice and peace. I was thinking late last night that no matter what land you are in you are not really an "alien" or a "foreigner," if you really believe that all lands are ultimately God's lands, and if you believe deep in your heart that all people are ultimately God's people. If you carry that faith in your heart, you will find your home wherever you are, and others will welcome you whereever you are.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
RE-entry into work and some reflections on how important it is to treat people like people
It has been alright getting back to work after what was a real week off. Part of what helped was that both of the days in court were not too heavy, which meant I had less than ten clients and time to actually talk to my clients like they were human beings. On Tuesday, I even had the luxury of sitting down at a table across from my clients and discussing their legal situation and their life situation! Public Defender work really does stretch you at times. Most the time I know very well what to do legally to get my client a good deal, but I don't have time to let my client know what is going on or that I know what is going on. But, by the way I do things, they can at least tell I know what is going on, and what I am doing. But, I hate leaving them out of it all, as if they didn't matter, when its their life in the balance. I remember being in court several times and telling a client: "If you will just shut up, I'll get you out of jail." Another time I remember saying: "When we go in front of the judge, just keep your mouth shut; it is what I say that will get you out of jail." And, I do produce. I get people good deals; I get people out of jail.
But, when I have a couple of days like I did this week, I can really enjoy practicing law. Because I had the time and took it - to just talk with my clients and get to know them a little.
I remember one terrible day at the Public Defender's Office. We had a young woman (mid-20's) who had a couple of minor charges. The only reason she remained in jail was that she hadn't paid her court costs in an old case. I had briefly dealt with one of her cases a couple of days before, and then that Friday morning she went to court for the court cost case which was holding her in jail. And, one of our attorneys went in front of the judge and presented her case, and the judge ordered her held for two weeks until the hearing date (this was all over $2oo or $300 she hadn't paid). I remember she had stitches in her head, because she had had a seizure and fallen and hit her head. And, right after the judge ordered her held, they took her back to the holding cell. She told the guard that she wasn't feeling well - could she go back down to the jail now. He took her down. When she got down there, she found a belt and hung herself.
Our attorney that was in court that day felt terrible. He was rushed, under pressure with about 20 cases to deal with. I felt bad too, because I remember sort of rushing through talking to her on her case a couple of days before.
If anyone had taken the time to treat her like a human being, she might be alive today. And, why in the hell was it worth putting her in jail over court costs? I really hate our legal system here in Blount County sometimes. A few dollars weigh more than human life and human concerns on many days. And, many times we fight against this inhumanity of the system in our office, but there are days that we are just another part of this inhumane system that crushes people.
But, when I have a couple of days like I did this week, I can really enjoy practicing law. Because I had the time and took it - to just talk with my clients and get to know them a little.
I remember one terrible day at the Public Defender's Office. We had a young woman (mid-20's) who had a couple of minor charges. The only reason she remained in jail was that she hadn't paid her court costs in an old case. I had briefly dealt with one of her cases a couple of days before, and then that Friday morning she went to court for the court cost case which was holding her in jail. And, one of our attorneys went in front of the judge and presented her case, and the judge ordered her held for two weeks until the hearing date (this was all over $2oo or $300 she hadn't paid). I remember she had stitches in her head, because she had had a seizure and fallen and hit her head. And, right after the judge ordered her held, they took her back to the holding cell. She told the guard that she wasn't feeling well - could she go back down to the jail now. He took her down. When she got down there, she found a belt and hung herself.
Our attorney that was in court that day felt terrible. He was rushed, under pressure with about 20 cases to deal with. I felt bad too, because I remember sort of rushing through talking to her on her case a couple of days before.
If anyone had taken the time to treat her like a human being, she might be alive today. And, why in the hell was it worth putting her in jail over court costs? I really hate our legal system here in Blount County sometimes. A few dollars weigh more than human life and human concerns on many days. And, many times we fight against this inhumanity of the system in our office, but there are days that we are just another part of this inhumane system that crushes people.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
